Winter Motorcycling

One of the great winter comedies in Britain is to be found in the gents toilets on motorway service stations. Bikers come waddling in dressed like the Michelin man and start tearing off their clothes with frozen hands to have a pee. It's odd how you can ride for miles needing a pee sometime soon, and then as soon as you get off the bike you find you have about ten seonds before you piss yourself. While the biker is struggling through the layers other people are flushing toilets, washing their hands, pissing in the urinals, all those lovely watery sloshing splashing sounds.....

Will the biker succeed in getting his dick out before he pisses himself? It's like one of those Japanese game shows. A big strategic choice is whether to take the overtrousers off completely, which takes time, or to save time by taking them only below the knee, but if it's a wall-and-gutter type of urinal you then have to use a toilet which takes longer again.

The biker manages to get his overtrousers down below his knees! He makes the toilet choice! He starts shuffling towards the cubicle! Someone flushes another toilet! He winces and stumbles but manages to hold it in! He fumbles madly at the zip on his jeans but his hands are too cold to find the zipper thing! Someone turns on a tap in a basin! He throws open the cubicle door with legs twisted together in anguish! There's a kid in the cubicle already who didn't lock the door! The kid flushes the toilet! Oh no!

Doesn't NASA have some kind of neat device so spacemen don't fill up their suits with widdle? Has anyone thought of marketing this for winter biking?

Chris Malcolm (

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